Not too long ago my mum suddenly decided that her life is better without me in it, said I was dead to her and never wants contact with me again. No fight, nothing. Just like that. I get my life together and now I am nothing to her - which it turns out I never was.
I applied to get all paperwork concerning me throughout my life, from social services and such - I was born into the system and have been a case since the beginning of my existence, so there is a LOT of paperwork. Statements from social workers, foster care family, institutions, teachers - all of it. Also some really disturbing statements from my mum to everyone, about me. My reason for wanting these papers is that I really need to know everything that has happened both to process, so I can move on. Also so I can share my whole story on here and in an autobiography that I am working on. Got the papers yesterday and so far I only got the papers from my teen years (we moved a lot so I have to apply elsewhere as well to get the rest). I knew that it could be default to read and was surprised that within the first few hours of reading I wasn't too affected by it all - I can remember it all, although reading the statements about myself, the lies my mum fed people hide her own failures and make herself look good.. God that was tough to read. It hit me later yesterday and it really hit me today. I keep crying and trying to make sense of it all. I feel so unwanted and like my whole life is just a lie. Like why did she keep me then? Why keep me at home only to traumatise me more? Did she really hate me that much and why? My mum is Borderline and a classic narcissist but even knowing that, I struggle with the fact that she has hated me this much just for existing. The years I took care of her even though I was a child, the number of times I have saved her life when she attempted suicide, the psychological abuse she put me through.
I am really struggling with it all and as said earlier this are the years I do remember. What did she do to me when I was little? I guess I will find out. I am getting help to deal with all of this and I have a few people in my life who are being very supportive - which really mean s the world to me. I could not handle this alone and in the end this will all have been worth it. The pain and suffering being put to good. Not letting that awful person ruin anymore of my life. She is gone from my life now.
