Second Day of School (Trypophobia warning - inside of melon)

 

Today was way better than yesterday in terms of school. Started out my morning waking up at 6 am, drinking warm water with lemon, and taking my vitamins while getting ready. Listened to good music to calm my anxiety and get me in a positive mood. Got to school on time - of course - and started out with biology. I feared that my OCD would get in the way during this class, but thankfully it did not! I actually found this class really exciting. We had to draw out our own blood, centrifuge it and measure our hematocrit level (mine was 40%) and we did this as preparation for homework/a report. I am so used to this process from going to the doctors every week, so it gave me confidence, as a new girl, doing something so familiar to me. After that, we had Geography which seemed more History-based and was actually very interesting. My Geography teacher is also my history teacher, so makes sense.

Overall, better than yesterday and I am still motivated. However positive, this entire thing is still extremely challenging for me ( with OCD, Anxiety & Eating Disorder) OCD occurs whenever a window is opened or someone steps near a window or near me, or touches something I am about to touch, or touches me. Anxiety, Uhm, every situation so far. New people, new space, new everything! Eating Disorder - realising that I can't get through an entire day nor even half a day without eating - ugh! I packed a lunch for tomorrow, hoping I will be able to eat it while the others eat and with them - but honest thought right here and now - Might hide in the bathroom and eat it there or just throw it out. 

difficult as it all it, I am happy with my decision to start school and soon I will be thriving so much I will be the girl showing up late in comfy socks with morning hair, eating whenever - not giving a single fuck!

♡♡♡

when I got home, I snacked on an Orange Candy Melon which was delisius. I chopped a lot of it up and threw it in the freezer for future snacks

♡

9

# FilmFriday - Saving Mr Banks

 

Such a beautiful film and soundtrack - I cried A LOT! And it wasn't even my first time watching it. 

Highly recommend this one, it is on Disney +  ♡

 

As part of recovery, I am "interning" at recovery as a cleaning lady.. So I have to clean the entire floor. I do not aspire to be a cleaning lady. This was set up for me because I was unable to get a real internship due to my limitations with OCD and then with Covid. Today was my second last day doing this (I do it every Thursday). I didn't mind it so much when I actually lived in the building and used these areas to hang out - but now I barely spend any time here so feels less satisfying. 

I also talked with my contact person who is doing everything she can to get in touch with the right people about my education and what I am supposed to do now. I guess I will know tomorrow or the beginning of next week. Waiting for other people to decide what is going to happen to me in life and financially is extremely stressful. Everything right now just feels surreal and pointless.  

I also got tested for Covid today, as I need Corona Pass for the gym, and this morning when I ate breakfast - I could not taste it! so was worried for a second, but the test came back negative. 

Dan and I spent the evening going for a drive, talking, and trying to work things out. We do love each other very much, so of course, we want to make it work

Gonna sleep now and hope tomorrow will be better 

♡

 

Evening lovelies! Gosh, today was a shitty shitty day! 

Huge fight with the boyfriend this morning, there was a lot of yelling and he basically dumped me and asked me to never contact him again. We fight a lot and break up a lot - just wish it wasn't like that. I love him, so wish we could just make things work. 

Then I emailed the guidance counselor. I asked her now that I didn't get into University, what I can do this year to better my chances of getting accepted next year. About a year ago I was told by said guidance counselor that I only had to take the required classes (Social Studies, Chemistry & English). Now she is saying I have to take a full HF which is basically two years of high school to get in to University and that they made a mistake of even accepting my application. So they wasted a year of my life because of this where I worked my butt off and now they want me to take two years of school I already had, taking classes I don't need. And when I start a full-time education the support I get from recovery and my contact person goes away - I will be on my own.  

Then I talked to my sister to vent and unfortunately, she had more bad news. Our grandma is in the hospital with fluid in her lungs and they are gonna check her for cancer as they saw something "suspicious" 

Today it just feels like the world is falling apart. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. My contact person is trying to figure out what I am supposed to do, my grandma is a tough cookie and it will be fine! Spent the rest of my day crying to get it all out of my system, listening to music, creepingly watched the firefighters practice in the new building across the street, and cuddled with my bunny

♡

Banned from UKChat.com :/

Some of my readers are used to chatting with me on ukchat.com but as you can see I got banned.. I did message them to fix this because it is a mistake, but nothing yet. So I will be chatting as Guest-BellaTariJ instead for a little while. After 10 years on this chat site and then they do this to me! So annoying

So for now - I am a guest 

✌

Today my contact person was here - as part of outpatient recovery. She has to check if I take care of myself and my home and help me with whatever I have trouble managing on my own. Today we just talked a lot about health, the future and she was in a mood I think, she was just kinda bitchy and said a few hurtful things. She can be really forward which can hurt but I think she means well. After that, the boyfriend and I did a few loads of laundry which honestly took all afternoon and evening - worth it! Now it is done and it feels great! 

Currently sitting at home, eating popcorn, listening to music, and snapping with the boyfriend. We're both exhausted after today - and he's extra exhausted from work and getting his second covid vaccine! 💪

Hope you all had a great Monday

Goodnight ♡

#MusicMonday ♫ Gwen Stefani - Luxurious

 

#SelfcareSunday - Masque Me Up - Bubbling Sheet Mask

 

I love this mask! Its fun and my skin feels amazing afterwards. I do however highly recommend laying down whilst wearing it - as the foam/bubbles kinda drags it down your face. So lie down and relax! 

♡

#SelfcareSunday - My Moments Foot Care