Last night I talked to my grandad and it was a really nice conversation. Nice hearing how he is doing and we agreed that Lasse and I would come down for afternoon tea soon. I also did mention that I applied to get the official case papers from my childhood, which he didn't react well to when my sister did it, but he took it really well. He just calms said he didn't get why I would want to read that, but I told him I needed to know, needed closure and that I will put it to good use and write a book about it. He then let it go and the rest of the conversation was nice. Then today my mother called me (despite her saying she doesn't want any contact with me) and said my grandad told her I was applying for the papers and asked what I needed to know, because she can just tell me - which she said in a very ugly and manipulating tone. I told her that I don't need her version (she has had my whole life to do that) and that I needed facts and truth, which she is incapable of. She then got more ugly in the way she spoke to me, more controlling and informed me that she was recording the conversation... Like why? So she can edit it and play it to the family later so it sounds like I was the one in the wrong? She has done that before not only to me but to most people in her life. She has always been like that with me. Controlling, manipulative and gaslighting like crazy. I told her to be a bitch somewhere else and then I hung up. It felt so good! 30 years of being terrified of her and being treated like crap - finally telling her off and hanging up felt really good. I started shaking as all those years of fear just left my body. I then started thinking, why did she call? Why did she so desperately feel the need to call me and want to tell me rather than me reading the reports. What does she not want me to know? Why the need to control this? I'm a grown ass woman and I can read perfectly well on my own. As I said, she had my whole life to tell me and to go through it with me - which she didn't. And look what all that trauma she put me through did to me throughout my life. And I am curious to know what she doesn't want me to find out, especially after my sister found out that our other tried to kill my infant sister.. This woman tried to kill her newborn baby! and I have gone my entire life being scared she would kill me. I was terrified my whole life that if I did something wrong or stole to her at a bad time, she would kill me. I still have nightmares that she tries to. That fear and trauma doesn't come from nothing. And I might not remember or have suppressed what happened to me when I was a baby, but the body does remember trauma. It will be so hard for me to read these things, but it will be worth it. Dealing with the trauma and then moving on. as for my mother (Pia), she is no longer my mother and will never be referred to that again. Her name is Pia, she gave birth to me, mistreated me throughout my whole life and she is no longer my mother.
I haven't confronted my grandad about this and I am not sure if it is worth it, because nothing good will come from it. But I do think that telling Pia the day after like someone running with gossip is childish and honestly just made it unnecessarily dramatic, Me getting those papers is my right and not exactly a secret. She didn't want me in her life, so what I do with my life isn't really her business. But can't change what happened. Just hope that he can move on from it so I don't have to spend my days dealing with more calls like this. I have better things to spend my energy on.
Lasse has been very supportive as always and for that I am grateful ♡
