Christmas Presents ♡ Thank You!

 

Christmas presents ♡ Along with a gift card and money for Hygge 

Happy Christmas ♡

 

Happy Christmas! As you might have noticed, there hasn't been much Christmas on the blog and that is simply just because I haven't been in the mood this year - at least till Christmas Eve. Spent Christmas Eve with Lasse and his family at his parents house. Best Christmas I have had in years! Lasse's mum knew I hadn't been in the mood and that I was having a tough time lately, so she overdid it a little with the decorations for me - which I love! They were all just really nice and we all had a great time. It was me, Lasse, his parents, his brothers and their partners, a toddler, two dogs and a cat! Pure Hygge! ♡ They all go back today for a Christmas luncheon, but I am too exhausted so staying home, cleaning and indulging in a bit of self care ♡

 

Been having really bad pain in my stomach lately and it doesn't seem to go away, so here was me off to the doctors office. She doesn't think it is IBD related and after feeling my abdomen she got this serious look on her face. So she is sending me home to do a stool sample and on Monday I will have my blood samples done as well. She said she wanted to rule out what she thought it might be (without telling me what that could be of course) before she could give me any meds, and pain meds doesn't help at all. She has also put a pause on my IBD meds so that should be fun - NOT! 

The police were here today. Apparently a concerned neighbour called the police because they saw blood all over our living room floor. I actually saw two women out front half an hour earlier getting really close to the windows, but they saw me and left. Then the doorbell rang and as I don't know anyone here who would just drop by, I didn't open. Heard the person ring other doorbells (intercom is right next to our window so can hear it every time someone rings it elsewhere as well). I got curious so I walked out of the bedroom to go look who it was, then I saw a police man standing by our window signing that I should open the door. Now, this has happened in places I've lived before - if the police can't get in they ring all the doorbells so they can enter the building. Didn't think they were here for me, but curious as I am, I opened the door and asked them what had happened - they were here for me! They explained the situation and I was like "oh! Yeah that's just my cat, he has a tumour that sometimes bleeds a lot. I can go get him if you want?" and they said it wasn't necessary. I did thank them though for checking in and also said that it was nice of the neighbour to show concern. It could as easily have been something terrible. But it was not. Everyone is fine and the cat is fine as well. I did mention this in a previous blog post and there is just nothing we can do about it, other than clean up after it once it stops bleeding - which we do! We just allow it to stop before we start cleaning up after it. 

I laughed at the whole situation and when the police left I went into the bedroom where the cat was sleeping and kissed him all over. So much drama for tiny him ♡ Bless 

Last night I talked to my grandad and it was a really nice conversation. Nice hearing how he is doing and we agreed that Lasse and I would come down for afternoon tea soon. I also did mention that I applied to get the official case papers from my childhood, which he didn't react well to when my sister did it, but he took it really well. He just calms said he didn't get why I would want to read that, but I told him I needed to know, needed closure and that I will put it to good use and write a book about it. He then let it go and the rest of the conversation was nice. Then today my mother called me (despite her saying she doesn't want any contact with me) and said my grandad told her I was applying for the papers and asked what I needed to know, because she can just tell me - which she said in a very ugly and manipulating tone. I told her that I don't need her version (she has had my whole life to do that) and that I needed facts and truth, which she is incapable of. She then got more ugly in the way she spoke to me, more controlling and informed me that she was recording the conversation... Like why? So she can edit it and play it to the family later so it sounds like I was the one in the wrong? She has done that before not only to me but to most people in her life. She has always been like that with me. Controlling, manipulative and gaslighting like crazy. I told her to be a bitch somewhere else and then I hung up. It felt so good! 30 years of being terrified of her and being treated like crap - finally telling her off and hanging up felt really good. I started shaking as all those years of fear just left my body. I then started thinking, why did she call? Why did she so desperately feel the need to call me and want to tell me rather than me reading the reports. What does she not want me to know? Why the need to control this? I'm a grown ass woman and I can read perfectly well on my own. As I said, she had my whole life to tell me and to go through it with me - which she didn't. And look what all that trauma she put me through did to me throughout my life. And I am curious to know what she doesn't want me to find out, especially after my sister found out that our other tried to kill my infant sister.. This woman tried to kill her newborn baby! and I have gone my entire life being scared she would kill me. I was terrified my whole life that if I did something wrong or stole to her at a bad time, she would kill me. I still have nightmares that she tries to. That fear and trauma doesn't come from nothing. And I might not remember or have suppressed what happened to me when I was a baby, but the body does remember trauma. It will be so hard for me to read these things, but it will be worth it. Dealing with the trauma and then moving on. as for my mother (Pia), she is no longer my mother and will never be referred to that again. Her name is Pia, she gave birth to me, mistreated me throughout my whole life and she is no longer my mother. 

I haven't confronted my grandad about this and I am not sure if it is worth it, because nothing good will come from it. But I do think that telling Pia the day after like someone running with gossip is childish and honestly just made it unnecessarily dramatic, Me getting those papers is my right and not exactly a secret. She didn't want me in her life, so what I do with my life isn't really her business. But can't change what happened. Just hope that he can move on from it so I don't have to spend my days dealing with more calls like this. I have better things to spend my energy on. 

Lasse has been very supportive as always and for that I am grateful  ♡

 

Not too long ago my mum suddenly decided that her life is better without me in it, said I was dead to her and never wants contact with me again. No fight, nothing. Just like that. I get my life together and now I am nothing to her - which it turns out I never was. 

I applied to get all paperwork concerning me throughout my life, from social services and such - I was born into the system and have been a case since the beginning of my existence, so there is a LOT of paperwork. Statements from social workers, foster care family, institutions, teachers - all of it. Also some really disturbing statements from my mum to everyone, about me. My reason for wanting these papers is that I really need to know everything that has happened both to process, so I can move on. Also so I can share my whole story on here and in an autobiography that I am working on. Got the papers yesterday and so far I only got the papers from my teen years (we moved a lot so I have to apply elsewhere as well to get the rest). I knew that it could be default to read and was surprised that within the first few hours of reading I wasn't too affected by it all - I can remember it all, although reading the statements about myself, the lies my mum fed people hide her own failures and make herself look good.. God that was tough to read. It hit me later yesterday and it really hit me today. I keep crying and trying to make sense of it all. I feel so unwanted and like my whole life is just a lie. Like why did she keep me then? Why keep me at home only to traumatise me more? Did she really hate me that much and why? My mum is Borderline and a classic narcissist but even knowing that, I struggle with the fact that she has hated me this much just for existing. The years I took care of her even though I was a child, the number of times I have saved her life when she attempted suicide, the psychological abuse she put me through. 

I am really struggling with it all and as said earlier this are the years I do remember. What did she do to me when I was little? I guess I will find out. I am getting help to deal with all of this and I have a few people in my life who are being very supportive - which really mean s the world to me. I could not handle this alone and in the end this will all have been worth it. The pain and suffering being put to good. Not letting that awful person ruin anymore of my life. She is gone from my life now. 

Goodiebox ♡ September

 

Bellapierre Cosmetics - HD Finishing Powder 186 DKK

HairLust - Split Fix Shampoo 189 DKK

Skøn Skincare - Eye Cream 329 DKK

Verso - Peel Mask 134 DKK

Huygens - Eye Lash & Brow Conditioner 141 DKK

Sponsored by Goodiebox

 

Woke up today to the most perfect wether for studying, which I will be doing all day and most go the night to catch up with school - I'm behind! everything is so stressful lately and I get affected by things so easily lately. I had to take a break from social media because people just got to me. the racism, the bullying and just all the hate and rudeness. Usually I am very good at just not letting it get to me, but for some reason now it is. I think that maybe because my living situation is great and my relationship is going well, my body and mind suddenly have time to react to everything else. It will be fine and I will catch up on homework as well. So happy that Lasse is supportive and that his family is there for me as well 

♡ 

 

Lasse is at his niece's birthday today (I was invited as well, just wasn't up for it) which leaves me at home and he was so nice as to buy me sushi for dinner! Turns out I am allergic to crab meat, so that is new! Really enjoyed dinner though. 

He spoils me ♡ 

 

Yesterday Lasse was at the hospital getting his shunt adjusted, as he has been feeling unwell lately and it could mean the shunt wasn't working properly - turns out it was draining too fast. He has an arachnoid cyst in his brain that needs to be drained, so he has a shunt that goes from his brain to his stomach (which I think is really cool!) Hopefully now he will get better, if not, it could end in surgery. Really hoping he gets better soon ♡

Today we had plumbing and ventilation guys coming to do an annual check at the new apartment and my anxiety about this has just been built up so much the past couple of days. I do not like strangers in my home and the tiny room they had to access is in the bedroom, so my OCD went crazy about the possibility of them dragging in something from outside. Lasse was at work, so I had to let them in myself. They said they'd be here between 7 am and 3 pm, and Lasse was so nice as to wake up really early to both wake me up and be there over the phone for emotional support. Lasse's mum lives in the building as well and they were at her place first, so she told them that I was struggling with it - which was so nice of her and I didn't ask her to, so imagine my surprise when I opened the door and they stood there smiling and said they talked to my mum ♡ Bless them! They were so kind and understanding, talked me through everything they were doing and asked if I was okay. Best possible outcome. After checking everything and pushing the bed back to its place I took a nice long nap, as I barely slept before they got here. When I woke up I did some cleaning, laundry, homework and work. Exhausting day, but altogether good ♡

 

Lasse is dog sitting for his boss this week (at his boss' house) and today was my first time meeting Alfie! I had a school thing today, so Lasse and Alfie drove me to the school. I was feeling very sick though before leaving home, going to school added a lot of anxiety to that as well so when we got to the school I just couldn't go in. I should have stayed in bed, but I am also proud that I got up, out and gave it a try despite feeling that unwell. Was a quick outing, but the fresh air felt good and hopefully next time I will feel a lot better. Now I am back home, catching up on homework and relaxing ♡

Goodiebox ♡ August

 

This box was a bit of everything! I am not usually a fan of Rituals products and I have tried a lot of them. There was a hand lotion of theirs I was very fond of that I got years back, but they don't make that anymore. At first when I saw the Rituals product in this box I get a bit annoyed, then I tried it and it doesn't have a scent that is too strong. I like scrubs and it did a good job, but I will say that the colour and the glitter makes it seem really cheap. And the glitter sticks! 

I did not like the lipgloss and it was very thick, sticky and honestly just looks like smeared chocolate. The perfume was nice, love the dry shampoo and I haven't tried the hair mask - I don't go to the beach, so that I might just give away. The nails are good, although I do prefer matte when it comes to fake nails, so they look less plasticky. Love the colour of the nails though! 

Rituals - The Ritual of Sakura Body Scrub Cream 79 DKK

Miqura - After Beach Hair Mask 59 DKK

Tromborg - Lip Cute Lipgloss 240 DKK

DuffBeauty - Press On Nails 160 DKK

Batiste - Bastiste Dry Shampoo 12 DKK

Memo Paris - Marfa Eau de Perfume 150 DKK

♡♡♡

Sponsored by Goodiebox

Goodiebox ♡ July

 

Lille Kanin - SPF30 Sunscreen for Face 99 DKK

Kueshi - Soothing and Refreshing Aftersun 75 DKK

Goodiebox Essentials - Face Mist 69 DKK

Nire Beauty - 223 Eyeshadow Brush 79 DKK

Skøn Skincare - Repair Microbiome Night Creme 489 DKK

Sponsored by GOODIEBOX

 

I needed to get out today to get some fresh air and with everything that has been going on, Lasse and I also missed each other and needed to spend some time together. We drove to his dad's house first to visit the cat and apparently challenge myself a bit - because wow there are a lot of bugs out at that house in the summer. Was good for me though and makes it easier the next time I visit them at the house. After the visit we drove to the beach and it has changed a lot since I was last there - and they were setting up for the carnival, so it was crowded. We played in the sand, had some boyfriend-girlfriend time, looked at jellyfish, and then went for food in Juelsminde before going home. I really enjoyed today ♡

 

This is not my week at all - but I am staying positive! 

I slipped and fell in the bathroom this morning after my shower and the fall was grim. I put my foot up on the toilet to dry off my leg and foot and then my foot slides off the toilet and my other leg just slipped right under me. I fell towards the sink but managed to move my head in time, so I didn't hit it on the edge. I fell to the floor, my knees and elbows taking my full body weight. My right shoulder dislocated and pushed in on my collarbone. My ankle twisted and I basically landed on the most sturdy plastic table tray ever - which btw I should almost do a review on because that is mad impressively made! So the rest of my day has been spent on bed rest. I am in a lot of pain and to add to it, I also have a fever. It scared me so much and I do fall often. Not long ago I slipped on the living room floor and fell on my butt then hid my head back on the floor. I am insanely clumsy! 
While on bed rest I ordered in some groceries and decided to spoil myself with some late brunch. I have stuff I need to get done tomorrow, so I am allowing myself the rest today and that is it. Will take it slow tomorrow, but I can't stay in bed this many hours. Lasse is still at his dad's house with Haymitch and will come home within the next few days. I miss both of them so much and I talk to Lasse on the phone several times a day - driving him crazy I'm sure! Anyways, I will recover soon and obviously ignore all pain to get up and going sooner than my body allows me to. 

Goodiebox ♡ June

 

♡♡♡

Sponsored by Goodiebox