After the weekend and start of the week I had I wasn't sure I could even handle going outside yesterday, but I did! Mortens parents are away on holiday, so he borrowed their car (which is bigger and fancier than his) So as a car lover I couldn't resist! We went to Aarhus to buy a few things, a ballpoint pen especially. I write a lot on a daily basis and the pen I use is apparently not being sold anywhere anymore, but I found the next best thing. Sounds silly, but I'm a creature of habit due to my OCD. Having certain things a certain way just calms me down.. Even though yesterday was extremely tough and I broke down crying when I got home, I don't regret going out. I needed the fresh air, the challenge and I like to think that I'm stronger today because of it. I'm still not feeling 100% and I feel uncomfortable in my own home, but I can feel it getting slightly better every day.
Being mentally ill is a pain in the arse though! When you´re mentally ill you are sick and you need attention, care and comfort - but it´s not a broken leg, so people often don't give you all that. It´s a struggle because it´s a pain no one else can relate to and you can't compare it to anything. Last night I had to shake and check the pillows and duvet before I could lie down and go to sleep.. but.. my mind wouldn't settle for the usual amount of shaking and checks, so I went on for an hour. Every time I have to do that routine it hurts more and more on both body and mind, so I eventually broke down crying till I came to the point of accepting that no matter how many times I do it, my OCD will never be satisfied - thankfully I was so exhausted that I fell asleep shortly after. It´s a pain and a daily struggle, but I'm doing much better than any professional predicted I would in a lifetime and I'm still improving daily! I can do it!
Today I just spent my time working, binge watching The Coroner and challenging myself by spending time around the flat where I feel unsafe. Really looking forward to Nicholas getting here and then going to bed early. It feels so nice to get a proper amount of sleep and I'm looking forward to the challenges of tomorrow! ♡
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